A Mother's Reflections. . .

I'm writing this post more for myself than anyone else's benefit, so just bare with me as I work my way through my thoughts on this post. I have lots of friends (both bloggies and non-bloggies) that are pregnant right now with babies (#1, #2, or #3 children) and those that have just had babies and hearing all of thier stories makes me kind of reflect on my family's lives over the past few years.

The day of Anna's birth and those days that followed are still a bit of a blur, but there are a few things that really stand out in my mind of the emotions and feelings I had (I know, Sam, you remember my weeping very clearly I'm sure!). These emotions were very raw and real and I am so thankful that I had a husband and family that allowed me to express them and deal with them. I think my mom was really worried that I ws suffering from Post-Partum, but I am very confident that that was not the case at all!

So, you're wondering, what emotions and feelings were you dealing with? Well, the biggest one was the idea that somehow I was "losing" Mary Mac as my baby - I mean, up to that point, she WAS my baby and in a matter of a few hours, she WASN'T - she was my Big Girl/Big Sister. I felt so guilty for taking her baby-hood away from her so young and forcing her into this world of being a Big Girl at the ripe old age of 2 1/2. i mean, Sam and I made this choice for her and never consulted her on it. How selfish could we have been? We wanted another child, not Mary Mac - she was happy and content being the only child. I vividly remember seeing her for the first time after having Anna and immediately I noticed (whether in reality or just in my head - dunno?) that she had grown like a foot and had these enormous hands and feet, that is, compared to this new miracle that we had been waiting on for almost 9 months, who was so tiny and fragile.

Another major emotion was my fear of how I was going to be able to raise not just 1 fearless and confident female, but 2! Mary Mac was already growing into this confident, yet sweet little girl and, for the life of me, when Anna was born, my brain just went blank as to what I thought "we" (Sam and I) did to get her to this stage of life! How on earth can I repeat this? The answer I have realized is that "we" did not do anything - the "we" in this equation was not just Sam and I, but also our faith in God as our guide to raise these little earthly beings! The other answer is that as Anna is getting older and developing her own little personality, I realize that I shouldn't have wanted to make a "clone" of Mary Mac or try and repeat her! Anna is her own, sweet, funny, loving little person - all by herself - curls and all! And Mary Mac is her own wild, fearless, confident, loving little girl, too! Wow, what a blessing we have in these 2 miracle babies!

Looking back, I can't believe I really had those crazy feelings and emotions, but I don't think I am the only mom that goes through this! I'm just going to chalk it up to being totally normal with just a little hormonal influence added to the mix! So, for those of you who are thinking that I am writing this because I have baby-fever? WRONG! No fever here! I think, for now at least, I will just enjoy everyone else's babies and live vicariously through you all. The thought of going back to All Things Baby world is sooooo not appealing to me! so if you find me smelling your sweet baby's head (yes, Molli, you were right - that smell is distinct and wonderful!), don't worry, just consider it my "fever medicine"! I'll get over it really quick - like, as soon as they start crying!